psychology

A Chain of Tensions

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I do two forms of meditation – breathing and energy work. My breath meditation is refining a slow, even breath that I follow. My energy work (a form of Microcosmic Orbit) is harder to describe, but is is basically about “settling into” paths in my body and feeling and raising the “energy” within. What’s interesting is both forms of meditation lead to the same conclusion:

We are often amazingly tense.

Any form of meditation makes you more aware, and you’ll quickly become aware of how tense you are. It may not be painful or limiting tension (though it may be), but that odd tension, that bit of push-pull. It may not even by physical, but a few senses of odd division in your head and thoughts. Sometimes – many times – the mental and physical seem to be linked or the same thing.

It can be depressing or distracting depending on your experience and personality. Sitting down and meditating is like being locked in a straightjacket, and it’s a straightjacket that you always wear, but you only know about it during spiritual pursuits.

As you meditate and become aware of them – or in some forms of energy work “feel through them” – another thing comes to mind. A lot of what we think of as us is tension. Seriously, so much of what we think of as us is a pile of conflicts and walling ourselves off from the world and other parts of ourselves.

Our bodies and mind tense up as we are embarrassed. We seal off thoughts we don’t want to have, and enter into an eternal battle that defines who we are. Our fears of a situation tense our bodies up, ready to pounce, and that tension becomes a point of identity. We force ourselves to be certain people and do certain things, pitting tension against tension.

We’re a giant interlinked pile of tensions. The experience of this can be both enthralling and depressing when you get into meditation.

One one level it’s amazing and liberating to experience this. You suddenly see how much of you is just a bunch of conflicting stuff, a Rube Goldberg chain of neuroses and tense muscles. It’s no wonder some people have such insights in meditation and go wild about it – it’s liberating and overwhelming. I’ve had energy meditation sessions where the tensions drop away, and it’s like a thunderbolt shaking your body – it’s easy to take it so seriously you ruin it.

On another side, it’s kind of depressing. The “you” you’re used to is a janky collection of sensations and ideas and a lot of them are tensions. You’re you is always building giant walls to keep things out – building tensions (see my previous writing on “The Escape Capsule”). Your “you’ can seem awful lame when you see how much of it is self-limiting or avoidant. Nothing like looking at yourself and going “well that’s some stupid shit I’ve done for 30 years” and sitting with it.

It’s liberating and depressing to see the role of tension in our lives at the same time.

Me, I try to remember it’s just the way it is, and remember the Taoist references to refining our breath or refining our energies. I am what I am, my tensions are what I are. By my ever-tuned breath,I am refining myself like metal or purifying water. Discovering these tensions are milestones – signs I am doing something right, so I keep doing it.

But, honestly, sometimes I’m just amazed how much of “us” is just some form of tension or separation. I think that’s why we’re often envious of people with wild creativity or who are just chill – because so many of us are not that way.

-Xenofact

The Escape Capsule

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When I meditate (regular breath and energy circulation) sometimes I notice a peculiar thing. Namely, I notice myself – and why I’m there.

Somewhere in what I’m doing there’s a bit of me there, pulling away and sealing itself off. It’s peculiar because I’m both meditating but also trying to separate myself from meditating. On top of that I’m aware of me doing it, so I’m watching myself watching myself try to separate myself from what I’m doing.

No wonder some people find meditation hard, disturbing, or weird. Or they drop a few shrooms and wonder what the hell is going on. Self and ego is strange no matter what’s forcing you to confront it, but meditation is cheaper.

I’ve recently christened this thing The Escape Capsule (though, yes, I’ve seen other terms and references to it), and have been thinking about what it tells me.

Part of our identity is based on separation. There’s us and the other stuff in the world and the other stuff inside ourselves. We try to separate from the world and we try to separate the “real me” from the stuff we don’t like in ourselves. Some of our “me” is an attempt to not be things, to get away – thus I recently called it The Escape Capsie.

(I could go into I and Thou but perhaps later.)

The Escape Capsule is that idea we can wall ourselves off, and I think there’s a wiff of simplistic immortalism. We can cut ourselves off from everything else and get away from it forever. In fact, I think that sometimes our idea of an immortal, separate soul may well come from this human tendency to run away..

I mean if we can feel distant from everything doesn’t that mean there’s some separate us?

Of course as we all know identity and self isn’t that clear. We can’t wall ourselves off from parts of us as it’s all us. Whatever identity we imagine atop the rickety pyramid of self, the pyramid is a lot larger than what we pretend we are. Too often our fears, desires, memories, and reality intrude and the Escape Capsule doesn’t protect us.

Of course we know it doesn’t protect us from the world. The world is bigger. The world is where “me” comes from.

Seeing The Escape Capsule helps me understand myself and my flaws. I also am sure you, if you meditate, have also had moments where the walls of The Escape Capsule melt and you realize your you isn’t you. It’s quite something to be yourself while seeing yourself melt away. It’s also quite something to realize how much of your idea of yourself is based on not being something.

This is one thing I’ve come to appreciate about meditation. The goal is to do it – not “perfectly,” not well, not to have certain experiences. But being there in those moments where you just see, even if what you see is disturbing or humbling.

And there are moments you can’t get away.

-Xenofact

Tyrants for Freedom

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I often talk about conspiracy theories and the like when I write about spiritual issues since conspiracy theories and spirituality tend to intersect – what is often called Conspirituality. Also there’s plenty of spiritually grifty conspiracy peddlers and those people and what they sell fascinate me. They infuriate me too, but in a kind of fascinating way.

One thing that fascinates me is how Conspiracy Theorists seem to want to build the very world they claim they warn against.

I’ll watch Conspiracy Theorists predict violent uprisings and secret attacks. The solution is usually “more guns and also maybe shoot non-white people” which quickly sounds like they are the very thing they hate. Usually this goes unnoticed as we’re used to it or focus on other weird stuff they say.

I’ve also watched how Conspiracy Theorists quickly become bang alongside police states. Oh they may not feel threatened as it’s their police (or milita, or army) but it’s absolutely the same thing they fear others are doing to them. Funny how the jackboot ends up on the other foot.

But this is all the standard violent crap humanity has plagued itself with for years. The revolution’s evolution ends in devolution and destruction too often.

However one thing that really stood out to me the last few years is watching Conspiracy Theorists who were afraid of secret billionaires and tyrants . . . go and seek out tyrants. I’m sure you can guess who they usually chose to worship, but it’s weird when you look at the breadth of history, especially in the 20th century and onward.

It’s unsettling to see people who scream about freedom lick the boots of some hack businessman or creepy politician or weird media figure. People acting so worshipful towards a transparent grifter that you suddenly really understand things like Jonestown. There are people bang alongside freedom so much they want to follow a dictator to get their freedom.

Read that again. They want to follow a dictator to get their freedom and they don’t immediately die of embarrassment.

Lately, I’ve come to realize the difference between a Conspiracy Theorists and a person who believes in conspiracy is in part “do they want a dictator?”

Conspiracy Theorists, addicted to conspiracy theories, besotted by clear personal issues, often a bit gifty at heart, seem to easily fall into wanting a dictator. The Conspiracy Theorists have issues of power and control that the Theory helps address. If power and control are your issues and integrity of belief aren’t as important, a dictator is an easy solution.

But people who just believe there are conspiracies? Accurate or not they’ll seek solutions and try to build them. They might not be the best solutions or rational one, but as the solution matters there’s hope. They see a threat and want to correct it, so there’s some potential dialogue and growth It may not always end well, but there’s an attempt to fix things.

Of course I can see these two being interchangeable. I have dark suspicions some famous Conspiracy Theory figures started off with concerns that at least involved practical solutions, but then went more and more off the edge. Or they found they could make money in the Conspiracy Theory space.

So beware people espousing conspiracies, yes. But check for a desire for tyranny and you may save yourself a lot of time, words, sanity, and maybe just safety. Those who easily want tyrants aren’t trying to solve anything for anyone else.

-Xenofact